Unstable – A Look into a Bipolar Mood Swing


Photo Credit: David Castillo Dominici

A stable day turned quickly into an unstable night. Fear emerged within her, she suddenly felt alone. Feelings of emptiness, insanity, and confusion took over the girl I once knew. Within seconds, only her desperate cries for help were left to be heard. She took her shaking hands as the tears streamed endlessly upon her cheeks and placed them firmly over her head. She gripped her head tightly as she continued to rock back and forth. “I’m scared” she cried. I didn’t know why. I didn’t know what to do. I was lost and disheartened that I couldn’t help her. “What do I do,“ I thought to myself. I began to think fast. To think of anything that may soothe her pain. I immediately reached over and held her as tightly as I could. I didn’t let go. She cried out a bit louder and began digging her nails into the bed that we were sitting upon. I was confused and unsure of what to do. The last thing I wanted to do was upset her even more. She wasn’t able to verbalize what she needed or what was wrong at that point. She thought I didn’t love her – My heart was breaking at that moment. “What did I do?” “I must have done something wrong.” I thought to myself once again. The only thing I could do was be there for her, but I felt as if that wasn’t enough. Her needs were unclear and I was beginning to quickly tire. She seemed to grow even more uncomfortable as I began to drift to sleep. “Don’t leave me!” “Stay with me!” she said. I couldn’t understand. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. I love you,” I said to her with a look of confusion and exhaustion. Her cries began to soften as she looked back at me with her glossy eyes. “But you won’t be here if you fall asleep,” she said. With even more confusion, I looked at her for a couple of minutes, speechless. It became even more frustrating as she became increasingly irritable and began crying out again. I couldn’t understand why and I didn’t know how to help her…

It was one trigger leading to the next. It was those unexpected moments that turned a pleasant, productive day into a nightmare. I never have understood myself and why I seem to act the way I do. I became increasingly shaken up and agitated. I began to cry out from the discomfort of the feelings within. Feeling scared and alone, I felt the uneasiness spiraling from within the pit of my stomach. I began rocking back and forth as I held my head by the palms of my hands and fingertips. It was an unusual way that I would try to comfort myself. He looked at me with great confusion- he looked annoyed. I began to cry out from the fears within. I was fearing what he was thinking and feeling about me at this very moment. I didn’t have a clue. I remained irritable as I began making a complete fool of myself. I couldn’t explain to him clearly enough why I was feeling this way or what was going on. He started to drift to sleep as I could see that he was completely exhausted. I became hostile as I repeatedly told him that I needed him with me at that moment. I felt incredibly selfish. I was afraid of being alone and I really needed him, but even that didn’t feel like a good enough excuse. I’m an adult and I should be able to take care of myself. My thoughts were swarming about in my mind as I became confused and unsure of what I wanted anymore. I shut him out as a quick defense- I didn’t know what else to do. The last thing I wanted to do was to hurt him because I love him and he deserves the best. Why should he have to put up with this? I began to dig my fingernails on the surface of the sheets as I became increasingly maddened by those thoughts. I remained frustrated and I could see that he was as well. He suddenly reached over to me and held me firmly in his arms. I could feel the tears streaming down my face onto his shoulder. As he held me, I felt a sense of security. He’s not going anywhere. He’s here with me. I wasn’t quickly soothed, but I was beginning to feel reassured. I could tell his confusion grew with each minute passing. My only wish at that time was that he could understand the situation, for I could not explain what was happening. I didn’t want him to hate or become angry with me. All these worries only caused the fears, crying out, and thoughts to continue. I wanted this moment to quickly pass. I want to be my best self and I didn’t want this to define me in any way. My hope is that he can understand… Maybe not today, but some day perhaps.

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