I used to know a guy who envied, controlled, and deceived.
He raged whenever he was unhappy.
To gain control.
To seem bigger than me.
Inside I was dying.
I never knew why I stayed as long as I had.
There was a fear to let go and I never understood why.
I was afraid.
I felt alone.
I had isolated myself away from my family and people who actually cared about me.
I lost contacts with friends.
I was crying on the inside and outside.
I hated who I was.
I lost all confidence in myself.
I made our relationship seem ideal when it really wasn’t.
I stuck up for him when he never deserved it.
I wanted to be saved from this nightmare.
I admit though, not everyday was terrible like described.
He had a switch.
One direction was a more tolerable side of him.
The other direction was hell.
He found reasons or excuses to leave.
He would start fights, loud arguments, and yell at me.
Making me feel worthless..
I always got the blame.
He had to make himself look better.
“She did this”
“She started it”
“she made me feel this”
“she hit me”
“she’s calling me names”
Often, very childish claims..
Sometimes, I had actually done some of those things to him.
I would scream, turn into a monster, just to feel or have some sense of control.
I wasn’t myself, but I felt I had no other choice.
I had to protect myself.
I am not a monster, but he made me feel like one.
Did he ever tell the truth?
Did anyone ever know that he would yell at the top of his lungs in my face?
Block door ways so I couldn’t exit?
Follow me around the house and refuse to give me space?
Threatening me (“If you do that I’ll screw you over twice as bad”)?
Threaten to leave and be able to come back as he pleases?
Talk badly about me?
Make up stories about me?
Using my family and I?
Overly jealous and belittling me?
After all that, he still expected me to take him back.
Over and over again.
He would apologize and then find ways to reel me back in.
Most of the time he would never acknowledge that he had done anything wrong.
It was a constant battle.
A game that I no longer wanted to play.
He started a yelling match for the last time and said he was leaving once again.
I told him “This is the last time and I am not taking you back after this.”
I meant it.
He called about a month or two later.
He wanted to come back.
He said he was sorry and that he knows he treated me badly.
He wondered why I didn’t want to talk to him.
I began talking to him for a while only to break the news that I was taken.
He couldn’t believe that I had found a nice guy.
Why was that so hard to believe?
I refused to be just an option when I could be someone’s whole world.
This new guy actually loves me for who I am.
There isn’t anything he wouldn’t do for me.
If I have a bad day, he helps me cope.
He keeps me strong.
He gave me my confidence back.
He treats me how a lady deserves to be treated.
He shows me what love really is.
I used to know a guy who never deserved me in the first place…
Now I am happy to be with a gentleman who most certainly does.